Subconciously I am Subconciously Thinking

My subconcious hates me. It tends to think that it needs to remind me of the things in life that I try to forget. For instance:
1. I do want to do some sort of physical activity...but I can't. Physically I can't do physical activity. Go figure.
2. I have lost two of what I thought at the time were some of the best friends I've had. Looking back I can see that our relationships were dysfunctional to the max, but it's like a part of you is ripped out. But they don't die, so then they continue on with their lives, and I'm left here...afraid to make more friends because I don't want it to happen again.

I want to feel like that.  See how at peace she looks?!! (and that I'm a fantastical artist)