Voila.

I started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, which for a long time I just put as taboo. I mean, I didn't have a rough childhood, no abuse of any kind, no traumatic experiences..I liked my childhood. Even in my entire life I haven't really had terrible things happen. So to me I felt like I should be able to handle myself, and I couldn't be depressed or have anxiety or ocd, those were things that happened to people who needed them to cover up some traumatic experience.

With the way I have been acting and the things I have been thinking, a couple people kind of pushed me into getting some kind of help. This is a very difficult post for me to write because alot of these things I dont willingly share because I knew deep down they weren't ok.

My first therapist visit he asked all the basic questions and then I realized that the worst of everything started about 6 months ago. Which would be about last July. I do associate everything going downhill to my health mostly. I couldn't plan things or commit to things because I didn't know how I would be feeling, and planning and commiting to things are two of the most important things to me. I started to get extremely defensive when asked about how I felt, or why I wasn't doing things becuase I didn't know what else to do. When I tried to explain how I felt all I got was "well don't think that way, snap out of it, you have no reason to feel that way, its all in your head" ...which I agreed with but it still didn't make it go away.

I lost some friends, and hurt some more along the way. I do have a couple that I know will always be there for me no matter what. And between work and lack of sleep, those are things that I need to get back on track. I don't like what I do, and I will not be there forever. But I'm not going to quit until I do know what I want to do, probably back to school. Some sort of PR or HR...something with people.

And eventually I will have to start trusting people again. It used to come so easily, I never gave it a second thought. But I do not want to trust girls again. In the past 4 years or so the girls that I had become close to...ended up not being who I thought they were. I put 110%  into a friendship, I am always there for them, care about them more than myself, want to help in any way possible. Which sometimes comes out as pushy and bossy, and I dont mean for it to at all. But then in the end I get ... told that I'm not important, that I will never really amount to anything, that I'm controlling and work is more imporant than a friendship. So why trust people who will just let you down?

I'm now on Prozac and Saphris (which he called my anti- anxiety ,ocd, anger pill). I really need it to work.