Worth the Rain

My journey has been a bumpy one, and I know that it’s not over yet, but I can confidently say that the worst is behind me. If you had asked me 6 months ago if I would have been in the hospital because my therapist thought I was addicted to my pain medicines, I would have laughed and called you crazy. It was an experience that I will never forget, and deep down I had always wondered what happened when they put you in an addiction ward. Turns out addiction doesn’t have to mean that I took 87 Xanax or wanted to kill myself and overdose on cough syrup, it just means that without something my body doesn’t feel normal. And that was certainly the case, without my vicodin I did not feel like I could function…I only took 2 every 4 hours, so in my head I wasn’t addicted.

Since then I have been seeing a doctor who wants to see me live my life not in pain, and is willing to try a lot of different means to get there. 3 months later I can say that most days I do feel okay, and do not just want to lay in bed and sleep all day. I have the motivation to want to do things, to work, to talk, to laugh. I can think ahead to the next week and know that I can make a plan and be able to go through with it. The hardest part is the social aspect of things. I used to be extremely confident in making friends and being around people, and I could work all day and then go play all day and be totally ok. but now, I do not feel nearly as confident with any of it. I am scared of rejection, I have to re learn how to make friends and engage people in conversations. I used to always have one of my good friends there with me to help me along the way and then if I did fall or get rejected they were right beside me to say “they weren’t worth it, let’s move on” and now going through the last few months, I have learned who my true friends are. A few people who I thought really cared about me and would be there for me no matter what, bailed out at the first sign of trouble.

Coming out of this with a whole new outlook on friendship and what I expect in a friend. I don’t want a half assed friend. I want someone who when they say “I’m here for you” means it, and if they don’t hear from me in a week they know that something isn’t right and they will push to find out what it is and not just assume that I’m busy, or not trying. I know what I would do for a friend and I expect the same in return. If that means that I have fewer I’m ok with that. I know that I am an incredibly strong person, yes sometimes I may come off like a bitch, but just know that it’s because I have been burned in the past and have learned to finally put up the walls that I envied everyone else for having.