Inner Piece

The past month has been one of the hardest months in my life. The only thing I can compare it to is freshman year of college, different (mostly) reasons, but same toughness. I am coming out of the hole that I have been in for the last few months, finally. I have an appointment tomorrow morning to be fitted for my dental appliance for my TMJ (which in the last week has gotten so bad that I can’t eat solid foods, and have been living off Gatorade and soup, and I look like a chipmunk because my cheeks and jaw are so swollen). Once that comes in I should start to see a difference in a couple weeks!

I would not have made it through this how I did without the help of a few quite amazing people. And yes, I know I’m not doing great, but I’m alive and I haven’t quit my job, or run back home.

Sarah has been there for me since I was 11, so really my whole life because before that and before puberty nothing really mattered. So for my whole girl life she has been there for me. She listens to me complain and whine all the time about the same things and never says “I’m tired of hearing that, get over it” or anything like that.

And without G I would be a complete mess, right now he is one of my main reasons for keeping my job, not letting everything just go to shit, and still being a semi functioning human. I know he is just as tired of me being like this that I am, and I promise once I get better that I will make all this time up and we will have an amazing rest of our lives. (without braces).

There have been a couple other people who are always there to listen to me- Nate, Evan, and Lexi – who doesn’t even know I’m writing this and I barely know her. But she is going through a lot and her attitude really makes me want to be a better person too.

I have tested a few friendships along the way and Kelsey and Brittany – thank you. I know I said some mean things, and I’m really happy you were able to overcome them and know that I’m still inside me.

And to Sally – I’m sorry. All I have been looking for was an apology.  I felt like for the past year and a half that I have been there for you no matter what, and the one time I really need you more than ever and you desert me. It hurt a lot. I wish that you could have looked past the person I became. I’m still here if you ever miss me.

I am not a big fan of Dave Matthews – I feel like it’s all either stoner music, or hippie, or just…lazy. But I do like this song. (Obviously I’m still not that great yet, but I see the light)

oh look at how she listens
she says nothing of what she thinks
she just goes stumbling through her memories
staring out onto Grey Street
she thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world
but I can't get out of this place"
there's an emptiness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
but all the colors mix together--to grey
and it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
she prays to God most every night
and though she swears it doesn't listen
there's still a hope in her it might
she says, "I pray but they fall on deaf ears,
am I supposed to take it on myself?
to get out of this place
there's a loneliness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
and though it's red blood bleeding from her now
when all the colors mix together--to grey
there's a stranger speaks outside her door
says take what you can from your dreams
make them as real as anything
it's take the work out of courage
but she says, "please
there's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door
I live on the corner of Grey street
and the end of the world"
there's an emptiness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
and though it's red blood bleeding from her now
it's more like cold blue ice in her heart
she feels like kicking out all the windows
and setting fire to this life
she could change everything about her
using colors bold and bright
but all the colors mix together--to grey
and it breaks her heart
it breaks her heart
to grey