And there goes my life.

The last week has been very enlightening and incredibly frustrating and stupid. Make that months actually. I did not want to turn this into a health blog or a "poor me" blog, but honestly I don't really have anyone else to talk to about it. I have G and Sarah and my parents, but that is pretty much it. So this is going to become my outlet.

I have been clinically diagnosed with depression. I've known I had it for a long time, but kept thinking I could fight it off on my own. I got a happy light, started taking melatonin thinking it was SAD not full blown depression. But it is. Went to the doctor yesterday because I have been crying at everything, mean to pretty much everyone (my true friends have stuck by me through that, and I have lost some that I guess I didn't need), make a few jokes about suicide (which I have NEVER done before), and never ever want to do anything. Even things like shopping at goodwill, or going dancing, or even going out to eat...are like things that take hours of mental preparation. So she gives me a screening quiz, and I failed.

So my new cocktail of pills is....drum roll....Wellbutrin 150 mg, Trazadone 150 mg (for a week then doubled), neurontin, all my vitamins, and vicodin (because I still do not have my face fixed). I was googling around and found a thing called Chronic Pain Depression, which I brought up to my doctor who said it is a very likely chance that could be it. But then again I have depression, and about 5 other mental illnesses that run in my family. But CPD (pain depression) basically is someone who is in chronic pain for something (my jaw) for years and it kind of consumes thier life to the point where they become depressed. I have been battling with my TMJ for years, and didn't even know that is what it was until a couple months ago. Now I am working with insurance, my neurologist, and my dentist to get a $5000 appliance that will help my child size mouth grow to a normal person size.

I really hope that this combo of pills will make me feel like me again, I am a social person, I am a good listener and counselor, and I am a nice person...even if people think otherwise...go ahead, just means you really don't know me, or don't care enough to see past this and help me in the time I need it most.

Theme song to my life right now is Fuel "Had A Bad Day", which was written about his girfriend committing suicide. BUT it perfectly embodies how I feel on a day to day basis right now.

I had a bad day again
She said i would not understand
She left a note that said I'm sorry, I
I had a bad day again

She spilled her coffee broke a shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on her face
Slammed the door and said I'm sorry, I
I had a bad day again

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me up and puts me on
I had a bad day again

She said I would not understand
She left a note and said I'm sorry I
I had a bad day again
No,

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me up and puts me on
Oh I had a bad day again

She said I would not understand
She left a note that said I'm sorry, I
I had a bad day again
She left a note that said I'm sorry, I
I had a bad day