Rave Rant

As of today I am no longer a peon (LIM),  (I realize that I haven’t talked much about work, but a LIM is a “Leader in Motion” which is pretty much another term for someone who does really well in school, sucks up to everyone above them, and can read minds. Then they go into advanced levels of management to mind read some more.) I was in the program coming out of college because I did an amazing job interning here my junior year of college.  It is technically a 2.5 year program and every 6 months you rotate into a different department within the company. It is an extremely competitive program, and at the end of the 2.5 years, everyone wants to become a supervisor, or a director, someone important. And throughout the program, there are classes, monthly meetings, monthly reports, projects, plus learning a new job every 6 months.

To some people it is the opportunity of a lifetime, but since the beginning I didn’t think it was for me. I am not a competitive person, I never really have been (unless it involved being competitive over a person).  It is a secure job (meaning that it will still be here in 30 years from now), some people really like finance and accounting (not sure who, but I’m sure there are some), and by the end of the 2.5 years the pay is pretty good. BUT to me it is like a cult. I don’t want to sit in a cube (or office) for my whole career, I don’t want to be micro-managed and my every moved documented, I don’t want to live on someone else’s schedule. I would rather be back in school, which I thought I hated.  But looking back it wasn’t so terrible, I mean I got to make my own schedule, I didn’t have to go to class if I didn’t want to, I didn’t have to go all day every day, I got summers and Christmas off, it was full of other people my age.

I guess my main point is that I am finally going to be in a position where I can think about what I want to do with my life, while still getting a paycheck and health insurance. I feel that I have some talents, but combined or even separate I’m not sure how they could make a living. I also am learning through therapy that I am a control freak. Normally I would try and put that nicely, but I’m trying to overcome it, I think I always have been in some aspects, but since I was sick for so long, it became more aspects because I don’t feel like I am in control of ANYTHING. For people who aren’t “Controlling Corinne” it can be hard to empathize, and understand where I come from. I am going to try to explain it but will probably have a better description in a couple weeks because I am still in the baby stages of learning about myself (now that almost a quarter of my life is over).  Inside my mind there is a plan, and if everything does not go according to that plan, I get irrationally upset and angry. It usually isn’t towards a specific person, but usually will end up coming out towards a person. I feel that in the last year I haven’t had control over anything…my health, my relationships with people, my job...which pretty much left my first apartment that I moved into by myself. I could clean that however I wanted to, whenever I want to, and I had complete control over how it looked, and felt, and smelled. G has been living with me since I moved in, but he’s not like having a roommate, it’s a totally different kind of “living together” situation when you are dating. And this is the first time I’ve done this, so it’s new to me, and since its my first apartment…its double new. Growing up my mom kept things very clean, we had a maid, and my mom cleaned every week…so when I went to college and had a couple messy roommates, I couldn’t deal with it. I feel like I can have control over my living space, but nothing else in my life. I can’t control people, and I don’t know what I want to do with my life, and I don’t like my job very much, but can’t decide what I want to do when, my health fell apart and I couldn’t even control my weight which destroyed my self confidence. I am a completely different person. I was on so many medications for such a long time, that I stopped feeling emotions. And then to just take me off of them, put me in the hospital with a bunch of other crazy people who I could relate to, made me think I am crazy. Then they release me and I am left to start my life again. The only people who were still there after all of that were Sarah, G, Meghan, and my parents. People who I considered close friends vanished, partly my fault because I had no idea how to control myself, and I think partly their fault because without me making plans, and being the one to say hi and asking to do things, they didn’t…and I expect that if I am going to be a good friend that they should two, it works both ways.

I realize I just ranted about cleaning an apartment….that just proves my point. I can get that upset and that frustrated just because someone leaves a cup in the sink when the dishwasher is right beside it. Things that are just pet peeves for most people are taken to the next level in my head. And I don’t think it really has anything to do with that one thing. It’s more the fact that I try so hard to do what people ask and expect of me, and I want everyone else to try that hard as well. And things that in my head I know are important to someone else, and know that just because they leave work 30 minutes later than they said, doesn’t mean they don’t want to spend time with me, or don’t want to come home to me, and didn’t mean to screw up my whole evening, but in my head it gets blown out of proportion because I was expecting them 30 minutes earlier, and had a plan in my head of how things were going to go.

It’s just as hard inside my head as it is for people outside my head. I can think logically, and I do...usually right in the middle of thinking non-logically. I get more frustrated with myself for making such a big deal out of something that doesn’t need to be, and then get more worked up, and by the time 3 minutes have gone by I’m in tears and everyone around me is upset with me. I hope to learn how to not do that, and how to relinquish control and just live life again, I don’t choose to do any of this, why would anyone?

I read a motto the other day on a blog about letting go of control and I’m trying to adopt it.

“Whatever it is, I can handle it” … simple, true.

Zumba Like Pumba

I have officially enrolled for my first ever Zumba class. I expect by the end to look like the girl from the commercials, except with no sweat of course. I was originally looking for beginner pole dancing classes, but they are bought in sets of like 8 and I’m not sure I would like it that much. So I have settled on a Zumba class, that I am hoping is filled with young people my age, who like to craft, aren’t married, don’t have kids, don’t like to go out and get drunk every weekend, and want to be friends….with me.

It was always easier before because I was in school or somewhere like work, but now I don’t really want to be friends with people at work, and I don’t have school (yet) and don’t really have any hobbies that lend themselves to meeting people. My ultimate idea is to have speed dating for friends. Like “fast friending”, same idea. I feel like it would be a good way to bring either new people, or people who want new friends, or shy people, or just people who like to meet people together. I would totally wear a nametag for that! “Hi my name is Corinne and I have no filter, oh and sometimes I can come off as bossy, but it’s just because I know what you should be doing”.

I am already starting to get nervous about the class next week, because I have to go by myself, do something new, and am alone. Those are like my biggest fears right now, which usually would be something that I would tell anyone else to jump on.

I’m not sure if I should prepare and watch youtube videos of how to Zumba, I’m not even sure what it involves. Do I have to wear bright colored African garbs? Or should I stick with all black goth? Or maybe I could get a tennis skirt, I have always wanted one of those. I hope they don’t video tape it, or I’m pretty sure I would end up looking like this:

Which is mainly the reason I only dance at nightclubs, while drunk…and while everyone else is drunk too.

Worth the Rain

My journey has been a bumpy one, and I know that it’s not over yet, but I can confidently say that the worst is behind me. If you had asked me 6 months ago if I would have been in the hospital because my therapist thought I was addicted to my pain medicines, I would have laughed and called you crazy. It was an experience that I will never forget, and deep down I had always wondered what happened when they put you in an addiction ward. Turns out addiction doesn’t have to mean that I took 87 Xanax or wanted to kill myself and overdose on cough syrup, it just means that without something my body doesn’t feel normal. And that was certainly the case, without my vicodin I did not feel like I could function…I only took 2 every 4 hours, so in my head I wasn’t addicted.

Since then I have been seeing a doctor who wants to see me live my life not in pain, and is willing to try a lot of different means to get there. 3 months later I can say that most days I do feel okay, and do not just want to lay in bed and sleep all day. I have the motivation to want to do things, to work, to talk, to laugh. I can think ahead to the next week and know that I can make a plan and be able to go through with it. The hardest part is the social aspect of things. I used to be extremely confident in making friends and being around people, and I could work all day and then go play all day and be totally ok. but now, I do not feel nearly as confident with any of it. I am scared of rejection, I have to re learn how to make friends and engage people in conversations. I used to always have one of my good friends there with me to help me along the way and then if I did fall or get rejected they were right beside me to say “they weren’t worth it, let’s move on” and now going through the last few months, I have learned who my true friends are. A few people who I thought really cared about me and would be there for me no matter what, bailed out at the first sign of trouble.

Coming out of this with a whole new outlook on friendship and what I expect in a friend. I don’t want a half assed friend. I want someone who when they say “I’m here for you” means it, and if they don’t hear from me in a week they know that something isn’t right and they will push to find out what it is and not just assume that I’m busy, or not trying. I know what I would do for a friend and I expect the same in return. If that means that I have fewer I’m ok with that. I know that I am an incredibly strong person, yes sometimes I may come off like a bitch, but just know that it’s because I have been burned in the past and have learned to finally put up the walls that I envied everyone else for having.